Coming to Terms with Life

It took God over 15 years to restore my soul. It was completely ripped to shred when fear for my life and wanting the best for my kids forced me to make a decision that I regretted. Not being a part of their lives for so long left them wounded and scarred for life.What was I thinking? I was sure that by the time they were adults they would be able to look back with new found intelligence and understand what happened and why I was MIA. But like all of my dreams this one has gone belly up. My youngest son wants nothing to do with me. My daughter who was until recently my best friend is also not speaking to me and once again my soul is torn apart. I am tempted to get on the next plane back to Florida and never again attempt any form of contact with them. The pain is so great I feel like I am suffocating. I missed so much and now any hope of building a relationship with them is slipping away. I refuse to spend the rest of my life kissing their behinds to be a part of their lives. They want blood and I do not have it to spare.

WEDDINGS

Tonight I got drunk and watched "my fair weddings" and at 50 years old I had to admit one thing to myself.  I WANT THAT. I got married at 18 but it was a rushed affair with a dress from the goodwill and in the living room of a best friends mom who had just got her ministerial license...mail order. Most poor black girls do not allow themselves to dream of a wedding, it is viewed as an expense we cannot afford. We never aspire to be more than a "baby's mama" or a live-in piece of ass. To us it is a white girls privilege and not something we can aspire to. I want a man that loves me enough to want to see me walk down an isle, looking like a princess and vowing to love me now and forever and actually meaning it. I want the whole nine yards.  I want the female experience. But I know for me it is too late. I know there will never be anyone willing to give me this or love me like that. My time has come and gone. That is why I sit and cry alone alone in the dark the one man that asked me to marry him treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe and I have not found one to treat me any better. I guess I was not meant to for the fairy tale. That is the rule and I am the exception.